ISSUE 19 - December 2008

Have an appropriately muted St Tiffin's Day!

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IN THIS ISSUE:

FRONT PAGE-Tiffin Times cartoonist hospitalised

NEWS-

Tesco to axe 50,000 employees in New Year

ART AND ABOUT: (FEATURING DIAGNOSIS: WRITER)

Gilly reviews the St Tiffin's Day nativity play in the city square, while Mic Lord investigates the disappearance of Rick Pudenda and previews another extract from his Randy Fantasia Diagnosis: Sexy

RASPBERRY IN THE CONSERVATORY

Euphemia discusses the possibility of a spy in the local W.I. ranks

HOT STARS REVEAL MORE!
Deb discusses her St Tiffin's Day plans while Ramona bemoans the enforced sprout diet.

LOVING THE STARS

Julie reviews the sexual habits of the Scorpio man.

TOAST IN THE MACHINE

Wendy discusses her new TV Show, "What's the Angle, Wendy Prangle".

CHAD TV LISTINGS

What's on this month.

OMBUDSMAN-

Address all your complaints and queries here.

MEET THE TIFFIN TEAM

Get to know the people who make it all happen.

CITY GUIDE
The sights, sounds, and smells of St. Tiffin's on the Verge.

SUBMISSIONS

Think you can make it as one of the Tiffin Team? You probably can. Don't be so hard on yourself.

PHOTO CREDITS AND LINKS

For people who like to read credits, and visit other websites.

Tiffin Times cartoonist hospitalised in serious case of “substandard brain jelly”

By Austin Tabernacle

Local Artist Winston J. Cromble, creator of ‘popular’ cartoon strip “Reagan, the Morbidly Obese Cat” was yesterday hospitalised under the Mental Health Act.

Fans of the series have noted a notable descent into illucidity in the cartoon of late; in one case the protagonist, Reagan, simply quoted T.S. Eliot, and then stared into blank space for two panels.  More recently, his strips have taken a decidedly religious turn, warning of impending apocalypse and urging the readers to repent of their sins. On the night before his hospitalisation, he was seen in local sex bar “Swingers and Swiggers” urging patrons to cease their lusty fornications, and to accept Jesus:

“I think his demands might have been more effective if he wasn’t stark naked, and if he didn’t have an elderly mallard lodged on his penis,” said Julie Noted, sex blogger and witness to the breakdown:

“He said that he had already been taken to heaven in the rapture, and that all the world was merely a hallucination. He also said that he’d merely fallen over by the duck pond and accidentally skewered the mallard on his erect member, but that didn’t adequately explain the condom he was wearing, or the fact that he appeared to be using reggae reggae sauce as a sexual lubricant.“

The next morning Cromble was found wandering the streets of Chesney Hawkes Newtown – still naked but for an enormously relaxed mallard and a single Spongebob Squarepants flip-flop- shouting at the sky about the flying saucers that he claimed were looming overhead. He suggested that the saucers were occupied by an invasion fleet of ‘homosexualist space giraffes’, and warned that any insufficiently religious humans would be taken by them and made into their ‘be-antlered love slaves.’ The police were soon called in after he accused a small girl of “unlicensed oscillations of a most cathartic nature”:

“Quite frankly, if we arrested every St Tiffin’s on the Vergian who was found wandering the streets in the throes of lovemaking with wild fowl then the prisons would be full,” said the arresting officer, Sergeant Carlton P. Woodcombe of the Chesney Hawkes Newtown Constabulary:

“However, most times, they just shrug and say, okay, yeah, got me. It was the strenuous and implausible denials, coupled with resort to theological argumentation that pushed him over the crazy-line.”

Concerned staff from the Tiffin Times- including this reporter- tried to visit him at the hospital, but unfortunately the duty nurse said that he had been sedated “while they try to get rid of that damn duck”. The duck, who sources close to the cartoonist name as ‘Arthur’, has since taken to flying over the hospital, and “emitting frequent lovesick quacks”.

His psychiatrist, Doctor Mandy Strudel, said “Mr Cromble has befallen a malady of the reticular lobe, commonly known as Yankovich-Daniels Syndrome. It’s basically caused by substandard brain jelly. Further tests reveal that this has resulting in extensive haemorrhaging of the region of the brain commonly known as Nimoy’s cleft. As such, this has caused a blockage in his crazy pipe, causing lunacy to flood out of his mouth.”

When Ms Strudel was asked if she was really a psychiatrist, she threw down a smoke grenade and hid behind an artificial aspidistra.

When asked for comment, a spokesman for his family and friends said “Quack.”