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America Announces Boycott of all Things Scottish

TOAST IN THE MACHINE
Quentin Prangle explains why it was deemed necessary for Wendy to go into rehab

NEWS
Paul McCartney Quizzed in Michael Jackson Death Probe

NEWS
MP for St Tiffin’s on the Verge accused over ‘assassination’ expenses claim

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NEWS America announces boycott of all things Scottish in response to freeing of Lockerbie bomber Megrahi  By Eleanor Childress  United in

America announces boycott of all things Scottish in response to freeing of Lockerbie bomber Megrahi

By Eleanor Childress

United in their outrage at the release of the man convicted of the Lockerbie bombing, America has today embarked on a complete boycott of all Scottish goods and services, said a spokesman for the U.S. Government this morning:

"We're refusing to vacation in Scotland, to drink scotch whiskey, and McDonalds has been forced to abandon plans for its' McHaggis burger," said the spokesman:

"We've even made this boycott retroactive, and are now refusing to use postage stamps, telephones, televisions and anaesthetic, all of which were invented in Scotland. We've even stopped cloning mammals."

Continue reading this article TOAST IN THE MACHINE New Page 1

Hey, science-lovers! Unfortunately, Wendy can't be here today, so I, Quentin Prangle, her beloved husband, decided to step in for the month. However, first, I think I should clarify a few things and dispel a number of rumours that have been spread by some of the more hysterical members of our community and the yellow press, who seem to have moved their base of operations to Chesney Hawkes Newtown.
So, let's address these serious and potentially libellous misrepresentations of the truth one by one:
Continue reading this article NEWS Paul McCartney Quizzed in Michael Jackson Death Probe

Paul McCartney Quizzed in Michael Jackson Death Probe

By Austin Tabernacle


LA Police have released former Beatle Paul McCartney on bail after questioning him about the circumstances of Michael Jackson’s death. Their suspicions were raised when they were alerted to a recorded conversation between the two men in which they argued over an as yet un-named woman. An excerpt from the recording now follows:

PM: She told me that I'm her forever lover, you know, don't you remember?

MJ: Well, after loving me, she said she couldn't love another.

PM: Is that what she said?

MJ: Yes, and if you keep on like this I’m going to have to rip off your head and shit down your throat!

PM: Come on then! You think just because I was the cute one, you think I can’t fuck shit up? I’ve had bigger men than    you killed and gotten away with it! What do you think really happened to Elvis? I did, motherfucker!
Continue reading this articleNEWS New Page 1

MP for St Tiffin’s on the Verge accused over ‘assassination’ expenses claim

By Austin Tabernacle

St Tiffin’s on the Verge has become embroiled in the scandal over MP’s expenses after it emerged yesterday that the town’s Conservative MP - Sir Monty Ludo-Possett - had claimed £1.5 million pounds for expenses listed as “the removal of one’s enemies”. The expense claim, which is believed to be related to executions and the hiring of a professional assassin to undertake them, was revealed yesterday morning in a national newspaper, and has already sparked calls for Sir Ludo-Possett’s resignation:
Continue reading this article LANCE ORTON:ACTOR Lance Orton: Actor

Hello once again. It has been a few months since I have been with you and what a troubled few months it has been for me following my portrayal of Edgar Ingus Tiffinjay in the St Tiffin‘s Day nativity. I have been reaping the fruits of my dedication to the thespian craft which saw me accidentally engage in homosexual sex with a young local man (who was dressed as a pig). Firstly, I have since been subjected to abominable treatment by a group of young louts who have loitered outside my home shouting “fancy a sausage sandwich Lancey”, “Lancey takes it up the shunter” and other appalling would-be amusing slogans. In addition to this ill-mannered abuse, I have also been charged with public indecency. Let me make it absolutely clear - I am not a ‘gay’. What happened was simply an actor’s dedication to the role in the heat of the moment: to all intents and purposes, I believed I was having sex with a farmyard animal. I hope that clears the matter up and restores my hitherto spotless reputation.
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