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NEWS

Paul McCartney Quizzed in Michael Jackson Death Probe

By Austin Tabernacle

LA Police have released former Beatle Paul McCartney on bail after questioning him about the circumstances of Michael Jackson’s death. Their suspicions were raised when they were alerted to a recorded conversation between the two men in which they argued over an as yet un-named woman. An excerpt from the recording now follows:

PM: She told me that I'm her forever lover, you know, don't you remember?

MJ: Well, after loving me, she said she couldn't love another.

PM: Is that what she said?

MJ: Yes, and if you keep on like this I’m going to have to rip off your head and shit down your throat!

PM: Come on then! You think just because I was the cute one, you think I can’t fuck shit up? I’ve had bigger men than    you killed and gotten away with it! What do you think really happened to Elvis? I did, motherfucker!
Continue reading this articleNEWS

MP for St Tiffin’s on the Verge accused over ‘assassination’ expenses claim

By Austin Tabernacle

St Tiffin’s on the Verge has become embroiled in the scandal over MP’s expenses after it emerged yesterday that the town’s Conservative MP - Sir Monty Ludo-Possett - had claimed £1.5 million pounds for expenses listed as “the removal of one’s enemies”. The expense claim, which is believed to be related to executions and the hiring of a professional assassin to undertake them, was revealed yesterday morning in a national newspaper, and has already sparked calls for Sir Ludo-Possett’s resignation:
Continue reading this article LANCE ORTON:ACTOR

Hello once again. It has been a few months since I have been with you and what a troubled few months it has been for me following my portrayal of Edgar Ingus Tiffinjay in the St Tiffin‘s Day nativity. I have been reaping the fruits of my dedication to the thespian craft which saw me accidentally engage in homosexual sex with a young local man (who was dressed as a pig). Firstly, I have since been subjected to abominable treatment by a group of young louts who have loitered outside my home shouting “fancy a sausage sandwich Lancey”, “Lancey takes it up the shunter” and other appalling would-be amusing slogans. In addition to this ill-mannered abuse, I have also been charged with public indecency. Let me make it absolutely clear - I am not a ‘gay’. What happened was simply an actor’s dedication to the role in the heat of the moment: to all intents and purposes, I believed I was having sex with a farmyard animal. I hope that clears the matter up and restores my hitherto spotless reputation.
Continue reading this article NEWS

Swine targeted by pressure groups

Truffle sales plummet

By Alyson Glossop

The Swine Flu pandemic has millions of people scared of the potentially lethal H1N1 virus. But this has had had a detrimental effect on the attitude to pigs throughout the country as scare-mongering takes hold.

In one example this back lash against the porcine world, classic fables The Three Little Pigs and Charlotte’s Web are to be pulled from nursery libraries across the UK. Teacher’s groups feel that the current scare could let to a wave of vigilante action in the wake of the swine flu scare.

Continue reading this article NEWS

Controversial new Prison AIDS campaign sparks Controversy

 

By Ruth Spode

 

The Prison Health Education Board have unleashed a controversial new campaign to stop the spread of AIDS in Prisons, called "Give the HIV the Shiv". One section of the advert reads:

 

"We all know that one of the few perks of prison life is rape. While rape on the outside is a serious crime, in here it's merely hilarious. But sometimes you can end up a bit poorly, so remember to put a condom on before you let someone know they’ve dropped the soap.”

“Remember, it's not gay if it's violent and humiliating. Then it's just a bunch of lads messin' around. “

 

 However, Church groups have voiced concerns:

"Obviously, we only have a problem when men have sex with each other and they both enjoy it. However, we feel that this spreads the wrong message: What if they start using condoms outside prison as well? The only contraceptive that's 100% reliable is Jesus."

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