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OMBUDSMAN- MEET THE TIFFIN TEAM- CITY GUIDE Think you can make it as one of the Tiffin Team? You probably can. Dont be so hard on yourself. PHOTO CREDITS AND LINKS ARCHIVES |
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Submissions to Susie H
So you would like to write for the Tiffin Times would you? Well, in my capacity as editorial assistant and chief researcher, I am here to inform you that it is not easy. Since Sir Michael and Chadwick put me in day-to-day charge some of the existing staff appear to have gained the impression that I am somehow a ‘soft touch’ that they can ‘walk all over’ and whose authority can be ‘flouted’. I have no idea where this misapprehension was begat, but let me assure you from the outset: Susie Harrington is not to be flouted with. I am the one you will need to impress with your knowledge of our fine town, and I am not one who is easily impressed. When employing a mixed sex staff, Sir Michael insisted that it was important to avoid relationships taking on a carnal hue, and it behoved me to ensure that this directive was followed by the staff. Quite frankly, this directive has been flagrantly disregarded. Where to begin in describing the heated hotbed of bed-hopping hotheads that is currently the Tiffin Times offices? Rumble Davies and Patti Love have been ‘intimate’; Miss Love has also been ‘intimate’ with Raymond Breamwater; Rumble Davies meanwhile has also been ‘intimate’ with Alyson Glossop; Ramona Harlow and Mic Lord remain ‘intimate’; Mic Lord and Deborah McWhirter are rumoured to have been ‘intimate’ in the stationery cupboard; Gilly Birkin and Lovejoy McShane have been ‘intimate’; and Rick Pudenda has attempted unsuccessfully to be ‘intimate’ with virtually every female member of staff at some point. In fact the only person not being inappropriately ‘intimate’ with a work colleague is Julie Noted - whose remit it is to be ‘intimate’ with people. I have followed Sir Michael throughout time and space, recording his adventures and I have never witnessed such flagrantly inappropriate conjugalities - and this from someone who has engaged with the Randyass tribe who worship at the altar of the Luminous Throbbing Lusthorn and whose public libraries are sadly lacking in decorum. The inevitable result of all of these extra-mural couplings and break-ups has been a work atmosphere of sexual tension and discontent. What we are/aren’t looking for: Don’t send: Offers for sexual submission: if you want to engage in such activities with Julie Noted, I would request that you do not attempt to contact her through me. This is for journalistic submissions only. Columns for existing writers: While they would no doubt appreciate you doing their work for them, I would not. Their slovenly behaviour since they were employed a year ago has frankly appalled me, and I want no further encouragement to this rank sloth and sexual degeneracy. Do send: News stories, one-line headlines, personal and business ads: news stories will be credited to one of the existing news team (in a desperate attempt to create the impression of a gainfully employed, disciplined staff). Your name will be on the credits and links page. Opinion columns: these should be created in character, rather than as yourself - your name will appear on the credits and links page. Cartoon strips: We are always looking for artists to create strips for the paper.
If you want to
try to impress me with your material, please feel free. It will not be easy, but
then it was not easy for me to record Sir Michael’s adventures in written format
while the Lactating Oarsmen of Crieff milked themselves in my general eyeline -
so do not come crying to me about your difficulties. You should see the
difficulties I have in controlling this newspaper‘s reprobate staff. As Sir
Michael himself put it on the subject of writing for the T Times: Few are chosen… None are Belgians. I apologise on Sir Michael’s behalf for any Belgian people reading this who may be offended by his irrational prejudice. As for the question of payment: the current going rate of payment for those employed by the Tiffin Times is ten pence per day. While, as a novice writer you cannot hope to earn such an amount straight away, we may be able to negotiate at a lower rate. Susie Harrington (Miss)
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