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RECENT POSTS: NEWS
TOAST IN THE MACHINE
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OMBUDSMAN- MEET THE TIFFIN TEAM- CITY GUIDE Think you can make it as one of the Tiffin Team? You probably can. Dont be so hard on yourself. PHOTO CREDITS AND LINKS ARCHIVES
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This fine city has a number of notable places
to visit that can cater for all your needs, and where many of The Tiffin Times
staff can be spotted. The Kirk and Clarinet The unofficial centre of The Tiffin
Times operation.
Much beloved meeting place for Rumble Davies, Patti Love,
Ramona Harlow and Mic Lord. Here ideas are
shared, articles written, drinks quaffed and chaotic open mic
nights enjoyed. Run by the grumpy but benevolent figure of Sticks and co-owned
by him with Chadwick. The Rat and Rotweiler Notorious and frankly terrifying pub frequented by people you wouldn’t want to bump into on a dark night and whose landlady is the imposing, but fair-minded figure of Big Jan. Sometimes our writers are forced to go there for assignments (esp. Davies and Patti, as the pub hosts live music), but it is not somewhere Davies (or Patti for that matter) is happy about Patti visiting alone. However, if you want to mingle with the city’s lowlife and eavesdrop on darkly evocative tales of violence and mayhem (some people do), this is your place. Watch out for the samurai swords above the bar. And watch out for Big Jan – who knows how to use them. Jeunet’s Bar in the upmarket area of the city. It
represents all the trappings of avant garde bohemia that Sticks would love the Kirk and Clarinet
to compete with. Our arts critic, Gilly Birkin, can often be spotted here, enjoying a glass of red
wine and taking in the performance art and poetry. Also
sometimes visited by Deborah McWhirter in the hopes
of meeting someone to advance her career. Sticky-Sticky Bun-Bun Home of the very best in pastry-based sweet treats
the city has to offer. Tiffin Times writer and confectionery-lover Ramona
Harlow can often be found here. Deep Fried Anything The DeForest Centre Most of the town’s main shops are located in
this large shopping centre. Here you can find Outsize
Clothes for the Nervous; Things; Stuff’; Things ‘n’ Stuff; All Stuff,
Not Much Things and Place Where There
Is Stuff. The centre, previously called ‘Place Where
There Are Shops’ was renamed a few years ago, in tribute to the late Star Trek
actor DeForest Kelley (for reasons which are lost in
the mists of time).
Shop specialising in extra-large clothes for
those of a sensitive disposition to retreat inside when stressed. Situated in
the DeForest Centre, but we felt it deserved a
separate entry. It is run by the friendly and maternal figure of Clare (above)
– the long-time girlfriend of the Kirk and Clarinet’s Sticks. Look out for
Emilio – a fluffy toy pig from Cleethorpes, named after Clare’s favourite actor
(Emilio Estevez) - who serves as the shop’s mascot (the pig that is – not Mr
Estevez). You’ve been Fleeced! The place to go for all your fleecy
needs. The green
fleece section is said by some to possess mystical qualities. Place Where There Are
Films The place in the city to rent videos
or DVD’s. Tiffin
Times writer and pop culture enthusiast Mic Lord
worked here briefly. Look out for the customer who featured in a Channel Five
documentary after he rented Abducted:
Sold as a Sex Slave every week for three years. Koschmider’s Klass
Acts Talent agency run by local impresario Ralf Koschmider – the man behind Big Jock McWhiskey,
teen band A.S.B.O., The Fun Fans and spandex-clad rock band Thundercock.
His record label Winds of Change records is also run
from these unassuming offices. Chad-Wind Farm Controversial wind farm owned by
local property magnate Chadwick. Like its mysterious owner, little is known
about it, but it rumoured to be a base for the creation of modified ‘superwind’. Crystal Ship Insurance The city is not short of strangeness and this
company takes the biscuit, the cake and a glass of milk as well. It is the
place where Rumble Davies works during the day and his fevered stories of bass
vibrations, alternate dimensions and female scientists wearing glasses and
nothing beneath their lab coats are – while questionable in their veracity –
nonetheless hardly in keeping with what you would expect from an insurance
company.
Wine Emporium Local, well…wine emporium. One of several places in the town that Tiffin Times wine critic Rick Pudenda is banned from. Indeed, the Tiffin Times staff in general are noted for their enviable ability to get themselves banned from virtually anywhere. Being banned from somewhere in the town is seen as something of a badge of honour among the staff although, as Susie Harrington (who is not banned from anywhere), points out - it doesn’t exactly help when it comes to local reporting. Swiggers
and Swingers Singles
bar for the ‘sexually adventurous‘. Here you can play naked snooker and
darts* and meet like-minded perverts. This is the place to find Tiffin Times
news journo Garth Weedon, our astrologer and
notorious sex blogger Julie Noted and her deadly sex blog rival Jaz Hands - although possibly other T Times staff
visit there and just keep very quiet about it. *You can no longer play naked darts. Most people never
wanted to anyway - however coked-up they were.
CHADCORPS The centre of the
Chadwick business empire, which encompasses
Do We Do DIY?
Y We Do!
Y?
Because Ridiculously named local DIY shop. They are perpetually in danger of going out of business because, by the time most people get their name around the brain-bending moniker, they’ve forgotten what they wanted to buy. It is run by a man called Neil Neal O’Neill who, ironically enough, has no knees.
Affordable Sex
Pants The place to go for low-price naughty underwear, if you are sexy and cheap. Frankly a gift with this name and price tag on it is not going to get you any.
Performance
Venues Club 3F3
The Koschmider Arena Grandly named local music and arts venue owned by Ralf Koschmider. It is a converted dog racing track and - despite the absence of dogs - the electronically controlled rabbit continues to make a slow, forlorn lap of the track (no one seems able to make it stop). This caused a problem during a gig by acid-munching local band Purple Thursday, when singer Mic Psych became transfixed by it, and abandoned the stage to crawl after it while chanting what onlookers described as a “maniacal” version of Run Rabbit Run. Other Points of Interest
Home of the block of flats (pictured
above) where Mic Lord and Rumble Davies live with
Sticks and Clare.
The house rented and shared by Patti and Ramona is just round the corner. Look
out for Patti’s three over-ardent male admirers who live in a bush at the
bottom of the front garden. Turpin House Youth and
Community Centre Managed by Lesley Dunlop and home of
many useful initiatives for the local community – including the Dynamic
Defecation Project. Former television character actor Charlie Foster also works here
teaching a drama class and it is the place to find Deborah McWhirter
(although if she deems you a ‘fruitspoon’, she will
ignore you) and possibly witness a piece of guerrilla theatre by budding
writer/actor Maggie Syal. The C Home of the local council offices and the
public library, where Susie Harrington worked before becoming Sir Michael’s
chronicler. She can still often be seen there, late into the night, doing
research. The city square is also where Ramona Harlow was once arrested for
lewd behaviour following an inebriated rendition of the song ‘Sex Dwarf’ in
which she utilised part of her anatomy and a motion sensitive theremin.
28 Badboys Alley Home of local ‘resting’ actor Lance Orton (51). Mr Orton is a respected theatre actor who can often be seen performing one-man plays in his front garden while dressed in a smoking jacket and drinking a dry sherry, while awaiting the big role which will elevate him to the status of a Patrick Stewart or an Anthony Hopkins. He is currently rumoured to be in negotiations to play a recurring role in local reality soap St Tiffin’s on the Verge, Okay! A role which, as he rightly points out, Stewart and Hopkins were not even considered for. And if none of this takes your fancy, you can always head out of the main city and into the suburbs to... Chesney-Hawkes New Town Built in the mid 1970’s to house people looking
to get out of the city and known as Substead until
1991. The local council have been attempting for several years to arrange a
whistle-stop visit from Chesney Hawkes
himself. To be honest, there’s absolutely nothing there but – on the plus side
– that should make it easier to spot the great man himself when he shows up.
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